Big Happiness Interview: Why finding your voice will make you happy
I had been rushing before this interview, and arrive to my Zoom call stressed, hunched over my phone and red faced. I slump in a chair and Caroline Goyder, coach, speaker and best-selling author of Find Your Voice: The Secret to Talking with Confidence In Any Situation, encourages me to stand up.
‘Honestly, it will make you feel a million times better,’ Caroline explained as she tells me that she now stands for all her Zoom meetings. ‘I have a ‘riser’ desk that you can alter the height of, and it’s a total game changer. You instantly feel more confident, happier, and less stressed.
‘I was working with Army officers in lockdown and they told me they always stand up for meetings, I tried it and was a convert.’ As instructed, I rest my laptop on a pile of books and suddenly, I’m standing tall and feeling calmer.
This is Caroline’s first tip of the day and I suddenly understand why her pragmatic approach to finding your voice and overcoming your fear of public speaking has led to her TEDx on ‘The Surprising Secret to Speaking with Confidence’ being viewed viewed 9.5 million times. Or perhaps it’s not surprising, as the fear of public speaking is the most common phobia – even ahead of death, spiders, or heights.
The National Institute of Mental Health reports that public speaking anxiety affects about 73% of the population. This probably explains why Caroline has worked with everyone from news anchors and reporters, actors, CEOS of FTSE 100 and 250 companies, a monarch and TV magicians amongst many others.
Here Caroline talks to Metro.co.uk about why learning to express yourself well will make you feel happier.
You’ve written a whole book about gravitas – what is it?
Gravitas is speaking with confidence, influence and authority. When you have gravitas, you sound calm, confident and in control. Gravitas is being the pilot of the plane, telling the passengers: ‘I’ve got this, you’re safe with me.’
When you sound like the pilot of the plane, it is incredible how quickly others put their trust in you, and how quickly your life changes as a result. It’s a very good skill to develop.
How do you develop gravitas?
Speakers with gravitas are those who are tuned into their audience – they have empathy. In martial arts, they talk about ‘self-forgetfulness.’ It’s not about you. Your internal dialogue may moan on inside your head, saying, ‘Oh my God, they’re looking at me, did I say that right? Am I wearing the right thing? Is this going to be okay?’
In martial arts, they talk about ‘self-forgetfulness.’ It’s not about you.
But people with gravitas are not focused on themselves, but on other people. Rather than focus on yourself, ask, ‘How can I help my audience?’
But when you’re so nervous, how do you do that?
Try the FOFBOC exercise. If you are ever nervous before an interview or presentation, take a couple of minutes to calmly focus on feeling your feet on floor and your bum on the chair.
As you tune into the physical sensations of your body making contact with the chair and floor, you draw your attention away from the thoughts in your head, and become more present in your body. When you are really present to your body, people notice your presence.
We need to take ownership of our own nervous system. When we show up, centred, self-regulated, we’re able to feel strong, balanced and grounded. When you look at women like Brené Brown and Michelle Obama, they are probably pretty disciplined about doing something every day that resets their nervous system.
When we show up, centred, self-regulated, we’re able to feel strong, balanced and grounded.
How do we ‘reset our nervous system’?
Stop checking your phone when you wake up in the morning. If you do that and you have instantly outsourced your nervous system to whoever is your news provider.
First thing in the morning, drink water and have a quiet five minutes. Ask yourself, ‘What is it that I want to get done today? What’s the most important thing today?’ And in that moment, notice. ‘How am I breathing? How am I standing? How am I feeling today? What do I need?’
If you have more time, move your body – exercise or go for a walk. If you take half an hour to do that every morning, your whole day is better.
Anything else?
Put your attention on truly connecting with others. If you need to connect with a human being whether, that is a big presentation, an important meeting, a child who’s upset, or a friend who needs your advice, just switch off your phone or put it on airplane mode.
Come back to your body. Notice your feet are on the floor, the air is on your face, feel your clothes against your skin. And make that connection with that other human being without the interruption of your phone. You will have a much better connection with the person in front of you. Connect, be there, listen.
The more you connect with others, the better your life will be. You are not going to get to the end of your life and say: ‘I wished I’d check more stuff on WhatsApp.’
The more you connect with others, the better your life will be.
How do we how do we feel confidence speaking in public?
Stop writing down a speech and trying to learn it. Just create bullet points or a mind map with a central image that summarises the talk, and then radiate out five or six key sections out from that central image. Then record yourself speaking from the heart, using your bullet points or mind map as a prompt.
Listen to the recording and start to notice what works – is it clear? Do the sections flow together? Then think about it from the perspective of the audience. If you didn’t know very much about this subject, is there anything missing? What do you need to add?
A lot of people are too focused on their performance, but what the audience want is clarity, good content, something that’s useful.
But what about your delivery, and if you feel too nervous to speak?
Before your speech, get into a calm, quiet space. If you were an actor in the West End of London, you’d have 35 minutes before the show starts where you sit quietly. This resets your nervous system. Rather than rushing around trying to find your costume or trying to learn your lines, you get ready for take off.
It’s the same drill for you. If you’re about to do a presentation, find a place to sit quietly beforehand and tell yourself: ‘I am safe. I’m present, this is okay.’ So that when you walk out on stage and you are hit by that jolt of adrenaline, it won’t knock you off your game. Instead the spike will result in peak performance.
How else can you prepare yourself physically for public speaking?
Get off your devices. When you’re on your phone, your head is forward, your shoulders hunched, and your breath is in the upper chest. That is the stance of someone being hunted by an apex predator. You don’t want to feel like prey when you walk in front of an audience.
What is the connection between happiness and confidently expressing yourself?
It’s important to be able to express the things that matter to us. If you feel you can’t speak up, that you’re not heard, that’s an unhealthy and an unhappy state.
It’s not about being the loudest person in the room or speaking all the time. I had a Northumberland Quaker granny, and the Quakers believe you should only speak if you improve the silence.
Express what you’re feeling honestly, and with power.
Happiness lies in being able to speak your truth. Express what you’re feeling, honestly, and with power. That’s what people we admire are doing. It takes courage. But life is really quite short, isn’t it? If we’re grounded and present, if we can self-regulate our nervous system and really speak about what matters to us and help others, then that’s a good use of a life.
What to do when your voice shakes
When your voice shakes, you are getting an overdose of adrenaline. The simplest thing you can do is breathe.
Breathe in for four, breathe out for six.
Breathe in for four, breathe out for eight,
Breathe in for four, breathe out for 10.
This exercise will slow your heart rate and take your system from fight or flight to feeling safe.
Caroline’s new course Master Your Meetings is available now.
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