From AstraZenophobia to Zoomba: the A to Z guide to life in lockdown
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In the tradition of The Dag’s Dictionary, here are some new words to get us through these difficult times.
AstraZenophobia: the unreasonable prejudice towards the main weapon we have against COVID-19.
Beach-coma: the deep oblivion towards the rules, perfected each weekend by groups of sunbakers on Bondi Beach.
Chatastrophe: that moment, halfway through a chat with an old friend, when you realise they’ve become a COVID-denying, anti-vaxing conspiracy-spouting nutbag.
Check-mate: the person who helpfully reminds you to use the QR code.
Covidiot: the media figure who believes that minimising the seriousness of the pandemic would be a useful way of building his ratings.
Masked bawl: the teary feeling that comes over you after working in a mask for the whole of your work shift, as demonstrated by this statue of innkeeper Solomon Wiseman.Credit:Nick Moir
Cyclopath: the heavy breathing cyclist who doesn’t keep his distance.
Deja-blue: the dreary feeling that, under lockdown, every day is the same as the last, with the result that you are sometimes uncertain whether it’s Tuesday or Wednesday.
Dresstitute: the state reached on the fourth day of any lockdown in which sartorial standards decline to the point that a pair of black Ugg boots is considered “making a real effort”.
Flandemic: the exponential rise in production of flans, cakes, biscuits and other baked goods that has accompanied the pandemic.
Hairdon’t: the hairdo achieved when your partner decides that, in the absence of a professional, they’ll “give a red-hot go”.
Hinterloper: the person from Sydney who believes that, whatever the rules, he must immediately visit several regional towns to purchase real estate.
Holidaze: a reverie in which you try to summon up your last overseas trip.
Icecavate: To dig downwards in the freezer into that unchartered territory where the packets have long ago lost their labels – just to avoid a trip to the shops.
Lee-weigh: the permission you give yourself to put on a few extra kilos to maintain morale during the lockdown.
L.G.Ehs?: The mysterious new name for councils, suddenly used by all officials to the mutual incomprehension of the entire citizenry.
L.G.Ehs?: The mysterious new name for councils, suddenly used by all officials to the mutual incomprehension of the entire citizenry.
Liebry: the shelf of unread but fashionable books artfully placed behind the speaker during a Zoom session.
Lockdown Lothario: a boyfriend of indifferent quality, taken on during lockdown, just so you have someone with whom to watch TV.
Mallinger: to hang around the mall or supermarket in defiance of the rules.
Masked bawl: the teary feeling that comes over you after working in a mask for the whole of your work shift.
Perplexercise: an exercise routine which, without gym equipment or a personal trainer, you can no longer quite remember.
Postprandial-wooze: the woozy feeling that comes after lunch when you replace your mask and are rendered near unconscious by your garlic breath.
Presstidgitation: a trick in which you cunningly press the lift button with your workpass, thus avoiding using your hand.
Quizmonster: the person in the family who demands that every Zoom session involves the Good Weekend quiz just so they can show off their knowledge of the minor Roman gods as well as obscure cricketers of the late 1970s.
Ray-fever: the hunger for the Sydney sunshine after a few grey days indoors.
Scrumhum: the 20 seconds of competitive shouting by members of the press pack that separates every question-and-answer during each of the morning press conferences.
Shamnesia: a pretend version of amnesia in which you try to tell the police officer you’d forgotten the rules.
Shrubterfuge: the act of hiding behind a bush in the park so no one knows you are not exercising.
Snoutage: that part of the nose that is not covered by the mask, as in the phrase “hey, mate, I can see your snoutage”. See also:
Snoutlaw: A person who refuses to pull their mask over their nose despite public health requirements.
Tidge: the two centimetres of red wine you leave in the bottle overnight to demonstrate to your partner, or to yourself, that you are not a complete alcoholic.
Toilet-roil: the fierce battle between two shoppers for the last toilet-roll.
Vegemate: The kindly person who sends Aussie treats to fellow citizens forced to remain overseas.
Weigh-cation: the decision to take a break from the scales until lockdown is over.
Yepidemiologist: a person who repeats the views of whatever epidemiologist they last heard as if it were their own research.
Zoomba: any South American exercise class held over Zoom.
Perhaps you’ll have the chance to use at least one of the words in coming weeks. After all, soon enough, you’ll never again have any use for them.
With a bit of communal effort, we’ll be crossing the bridge to the other side. I look forward to seeing you there.
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